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Can’t we all just get along?
Yes, according to a new training program for resident assistants—part of Stanford’s broader effort to foster more constructive dialogue on campus and beyond.
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Design: Jonathan Chaves
In the midst of a contentious election season—and no shortage of other topics to argue about—university leaders have set out to improve the quality of discourse on campus. In so doing, they hope not just to change the way students talk to each other, but to prepare them to handle larger conflicts in an increasingly divided society.
Dan Edelstein, the William H. Bonsall Professor of French and director of Stanford’s Civic, Liberal, and Global Education (COLLEGE) program, attributes part of that division to a collective self-sorting tendency over the last few decades.
“We used to associate, go to school, and have parties with people who had different political and social views from us. We knew them as neighbors, friends, and colleagues, not just as political antagonists,” Edelstein said. “But we are now mostly surrounded by those who share our political and social beliefs. We mainly encounter people we disagree with online or on TV, where they often appear single-dimensional. In such a hyperpolarized environment, it is not self-evident that there is a lot to be learned from people you disagree with.”
A series of new initiatives aims to shift this paradigm. In an effort to reinvigorate residence life, a group of student leaders recently underwent an intensive three-day pilot training based on principles of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).
At the core of DBT training is dialectical thinking, the idea that two opposing ideas or concepts can be true at the same time—e.g., “I love and feel intense anger toward a family member because of their political views.”
Emphasizing social, emotional, and coping skills, DBT trains students in mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, communication, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance.
“The goal of civil discourse isn’t enforced agreement or consensus, but understanding and genuine engagement with one another in a pluralistic society,” said Stanford Provost Jenny Martinez. “We hope to support our students in building the skills of engaging across differences. These are fundamental tools to their learning here at Stanford and to their participation in civic life.”
With resident assistants gearing up for another DBT training this month, we asked Orlando T. White, associate dean for student leader engagement in Residential Education, and fourth-year student Mirelys Mendez Pons, resident assistant for Murray House, to talk about the DBT skills they’ve learned.
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Orlando T. White is associate dean for student leader engagement in Residential Education. Photo: Jess Alvarenga
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Mirelys Mendez Pons, ’25, is resident assistant for Murray House. Photo: Jess Alvarenga
Can you describe the key components of the training?
White: Our community development sessions explore what it means to feel like you belong at Stanford, beginning in your room and then extending concentrically to a student’s floor, house, and neighborhood levels, and eventually globally.
Mendez Pons: On the first day, we were introduced to DBT, dialectical theory, validation, and on-the-fly coaching. The second day we covered skills for focus and staying present, understanding intense emotions, practicing behavior-regulating techniques, and exploring the model of emotions. On the final day, we learned methods for changing emotions, communication strategies for handling difficult conversations, and how to integrate all the skills we had acquired.
Give an example of a conflict and how you would help resolve it.
Mendez Pons: Imagine two roommates who keep arguing over how clean their shared space should be. One feels frustrated because they’re always the one cleaning, while the other is more relaxed about the mess, causing tension between them.
I’d start by mindfully listening to each roommate, focusing on their concerns without judgment. Then, I’d validate their feelings—the frustration of the tidy roommate and the more laid-back approach of the other, who might be dealing with other stressors that make cleaning less of a priority.
Next, I’d introduce dialectical thinking, showing that both perspectives are valid: the need for a clean space and the more relaxed approach. This can help them see beyond black-and-white thinking, which often leads to conflict.
Once both sides feel understood, I’d guide them in using interpersonal effectiveness skills to find a solution, such as negotiating a cleaning schedule that respects both of their needs.
Finally, I’d teach them distress tolerance techniques, to manage any lingering frustration or anxiety. This might include deep breathing or taking a break when things get tense, or accepting that while they might not love the situation, they can cope with it effectively.
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How can we navigate these fraught times more productively?“Make an effort to understand different perspectives. One thing they talked about was accepting reality—that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Rejecting reality does not change reality—changing reality requires accepting reality. I thought that was really good. At the end of the day, you cannot control what people think or how they feel. You get to decide if something keeps bothering you or not.” —Mirelys Mendez Pons, ’25
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Mirelys Mendez Pons, ’25. Photo: Jess Alvarenga
How can learning to solve roommate disagreements transfer to other issues?
White: We look at the residential experience as a training wheels period before the rest of adulthood. The residential environment provides an opportunity to practice these skills in a lower-stakes situation. This then builds the capacity for conflict in the “real world.”
The principles taught here really map to transferable skills. Interpersonal effectiveness is a skill that folks will need in any work environment—as well as how to regulate your emotions, mindfulness, how to be present, and build distress tolerance. Being able to negotiate and learn from different perspectives is invaluable, wherever our student leaders go in life.
How might these skills map to a ‘real world’ situation?
White: A lot of our frame of reference comes from the family environment and culture in which we were raised. Then we’ll encounter conflict around different standards, when those standards are not universally known. What I think is clean may be different from what your definition of clean is. If we don’t communicate that from the start, eventually there’s going to be a conflict. At that point, we can open up the conversation and learn different perspectives, or we can shut down.
I see that a lot in the political sphere, too—how could somebody do this or vote for this person? If you pause, you recognize that a lot of it is the framework from the values that were instilled in them. So you may not persuade them to vote for your candidate or your issue or cause, but there’s a reason and there’s context as to why someone would think the way they do.
What’s so powerful about this training is helping students understand that there are very few universal constructs. What we accept as normal to us may not be normal to someone else, and that is not necessarily bad, it’s just different.
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How can we navigate these fraught times more productively?“Self-censorship and echo chambers are more and more common. Media saturation and algorithms influence how we feel and what we think. It’s important to remember that conflict produces change and creates opportunities for learning. We can validate our humanity and the humanity of others without having to agree all the time.” —Orlando T. White
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Orlando T. White. Photo: Jess Alvarenga
Looking ahead to fall term, how do you anticipate these skills being applied?
White: With the political landscape shaking up, there is more focus on that, and the violence in Gaza and Israel is weighing heavily on the hearts and minds of many folks. In addition, I think the pandemic is still impacting students. There used to be this assumed understanding that they would want to engage when they have conflict. And I think what we are seeing are classes of students who are still very conflict avoidant. I think the pandemic robbed them of opportunities for development, and learning to negotiate and engage in person, so they often just avoid conflict completely. What is powerful about the DBT content is that we truly empower our students to engage with us, and then help them solve their own problems.
If you had to choose one thing you took away, what would it be?
Mendez Pons: How much it improved my capacity to listen thoughtfully, and learning to validate feelings rather than going straight to problem-solving. Creating a validating environment means being present, listening without bias, and reflecting accurately. It’s not just about hearing words, but connecting with the emotions behind them.
White: It’s not “but,” it’s “and.” Reflecting on my relationship with my mom, when I was a teenager and we were not getting along, she would use “and” language. Now it’s what I do professionally but I had been exposed to it as a teenager from my own mother. I wish I had listened sooner! Thanks, Mom!
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