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Flipping the script on loneliness
Social isolation takes a toll on us. So why is reaching out so hard? Stanford psychologist Jamil Zaki uncovers the hidden barriers to connection—on campus and beyond.
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Jamil Zaki. Photo: Jess Alvarenga. Background photo: Jocelyn Morales, Unsplash.
It’s a scene as familiar on college campuses as it is on film screens: A student hovers in a doorway, scanning her peers as they chat and laugh, a knot of anticipation in her stomach. She wants to join them—but what if they ignore her, or she says the wrong thing? She hesitates, her fears circling. Cue the Jaws music.
Stanford professor of psychology Jamil Zaki calls such moments “social shark attacks”—imagined dangers that nonetheless influence our behavior. In his book Hope for Cynics: The Surprising Science of Human Goodness, Zaki notes that while you’re far more likely to be struck by lightning than attacked by a shark, the mere idea of a shark attack is often enough to keep people out of the water. Similarly, the perceived risks of social rejection—though exaggerated—can feel so terrifying they stop us from taking chances.
“Social life requires risk-taking,” Zaki explains. “There’s no way to form a deep connection without choosing to be vulnerable.”
These imagined risks connect to a much larger story. Loneliness isn’t just a campus issue—it’s a global epidemic. Former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy called social isolation a national crisis, affecting nearly half of all adults in the country. Chronic loneliness isn’t just emotionally painful; it is linked to an increased risk of heart disease, dementia, and premature death. Its overall impact on mortality is comparable to smoking daily and even greater than that of obesity.
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Students mingle at On Call, the late-night café. Photo: Andrew Brodhead
For college students, the stakes are especially high. The first weeks of college mark what Zaki describes as a “social critical period,” when young adults are especially open to forming relationships that provide long-term support, belonging, and resilience. But self-doubt, fear of rejection, and the discomfort of new environments and responsibilities can make social vulnerability especially challenging. Research from Zaki’s Stanford Social Neuroscience Lab shows that students who build meaningful connections early in their college experience are less likely to experience depression—not just in their first year but throughout college.
Yet, this critical period is also when students are most likely to hold back. Zaki’s lab has uncovered one critical barrier: phantom social norms. Students drastically underestimate how kind and open their peers are, creating a distorted view that keeps them from taking social risks.
“These students are starving for connection in the middle of an organic grocery store,” Zaki says. “What they need is all around them—they just don’t realize it.”
Zaki’s Stanford Social Neuroscience Lab isn’t just gathering data. With initiatives like the Stanford Communities Project, the vision is to markedly improve the lives of students, using cutting-edge behavioral science. What begins at Stanford can eventually be expanded around the country, Zaki says.
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“A simple shift in mindsetcan completely change how students approach social life.”Jamil Zaki
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Jamil Zaki. Photo: Jess Alvarenga
Challenging the “phantom” Stanford
Zaki’s team has collected longitudinal data from thousands of undergraduates, tracking their mental health, social connections, and sense of belonging from their frosh year through graduation. He then uses this data to confront phantom social norms, teaching students about the true norms backed up by his research.
“At Stanford, the true average is really wonderful,” he explains. “But when students don't realize that the average level of kindness and openness among their peers is through the roof, they don't take advantage of those social connections all around them.”
The Stanford Communities Project has designed simple but innovative interventions to challenge these misperceptions. Through the university’s Frosh 101 program, students participate in small group discussions where they estimate how many of their peers would, for example, support a struggling friend or want to make new friends. Then, they’re shown the actual data: The vast majority of students are eager for connection and deeply value kindness and support. Group discussions and activities help students recalibrate their assumptions, empowering them to take the social risks needed to build meaningful relationships.
In other interventions, Zaki’s lab hung posters in dorms displaying this real data and organized “PLATES”—platonic dates—where students were matched to meet for coffee, with gift certificates to the popular campus eatery Coupa Cafe as an added incentive.
“Beforehand, we asked students to forecast what their platonic date would be like, and they were pretty middling in their assumptions,” Zaki recalls. “I got to watch some of these sessions unfold, and it was just amazing to see how pleasantly surprised the students were by each other—and by themselves, too.”
The interventions can seem deceptively simple, but their impact ripples outward. Students exposed to the Frosh 101 module reported greater willingness to take social risks, such as starting conversations or asking classmates to hang out. Months later, they had more friends and felt less lonely.
“A simple shift in mindset can completely change how students approach social life,” Zaki explains. By addressing these false norms, the interventions help students take the first steps in building lasting connections.
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Students chat at Coupa Cafe in Meyer Green. Photo: Andrew Brodhead
A blueprint for connection
Zaki sees the Communities Project as a model for universities worldwide.
“If we could even make a tiny difference statistically in the likelihood that students will feel connected, it would be worth the entire project,” he says.
While still in its pilot phase, the initiative’s success has inspired plans to expand its reach across Stanford’s campus. By aligning academic research with practical, targeted interventions, Zaki’s work demonstrates how behavioral science can bridge the gap between theory and real-world impact—helping people forge the connections they need to thrive.
In addition to challenging students’ phantom social norms, the project has reshaped Zaki’s perceptions of young adults.
“Our students are plugged into the world in a way that I never was at their age,” he says, “and they deeply and desperately want to create something positive for other people.”
The Communities Project represents more than a research effort for Zaki—it reflects his belief in the potential for meaningful change. “When I interact deeply with our students, I feel an immense amount of hope,” he says. Through this work, Zaki aims to translate that hope into action, creating a blueprint for how universities—and societies—can confront the crisis of loneliness and build stronger foundations for connection.
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